note
this is my little corner of the internet...
i write things here sometimes.
I overshare a lot. And I traumadump for myself as well. I have this issue where I get stuck on specific times, dates, ideas, events, beliefs and whatnot and I fixate on them until I'm able to get them out. I say about 10%of the things I actually think, and writing them down or making faux responses helps a lot. My therapist said I have a tendency to act meek, so this page is for me to document my actual thoughts and feelings and post shitty poetry. I tend to be very in my head 24/7 because of a constant state of hyperarousal, therefore this blog is a way for me to document my experiences in a semi-objective manner. I get strong feelings of dread that come when I'm in specific headspaces, and writing them down makes them real. And less scary. The last seevral years have been driven by shame and guilt and pain and continuous dissociation and the occasional paranoia and cyberpsychosis. Around 2020/2021 I got very into self-denial and other movements of asceticism that while I still practice, I don't cling onto as firmly or feel a quiet sense of superiority or judgement towards other people. Here I'll try to return to simplicity again and document my everyday life (romanticising it makes it less unbearable) and find the good in small things. I deserve to be treated as a person.
i write things here sometimes.
I overshare a lot. And I traumadump for myself as well. I have this issue where I get stuck on specific times, dates, ideas, events, beliefs and whatnot and I fixate on them until I'm able to get them out. I say about 10%of the things I actually think, and writing them down or making faux responses helps a lot. My therapist said I have a tendency to act meek, so this page is for me to document my actual thoughts and feelings and post shitty poetry. I tend to be very in my head 24/7 because of a constant state of hyperarousal, therefore this blog is a way for me to document my experiences in a semi-objective manner. I get strong feelings of dread that come when I'm in specific headspaces, and writing them down makes them real. And less scary. The last seevral years have been driven by shame and guilt and pain and continuous dissociation and the occasional paranoia and cyberpsychosis. Around 2020/2021 I got very into self-denial and other movements of asceticism that while I still practice, I don't cling onto as firmly or feel a quiet sense of superiority or judgement towards other people. Here I'll try to return to simplicity again and document my everyday life (romanticising it makes it less unbearable) and find the good in small things. I deserve to be treated as a person.
physical_manifestation.png
[!] specimen_height: 164cm
[!] state: hollow
[!] state: hollow
brainrot / facts
- my blood type is 0 negative
- my favourite candy bar is milky way
- if I had to kms I'd do it through an OD
- Aquarius moon energy is a curse
current mood specimen
About Me
hi... i'm jana ★
хайй аз съм жана. i'm a sagittarius sun, aquarius moon, capricorn rising, i'm around 5'7, 5'8...i have the nervous system of a prey animal and i want to go into midwifery or forensic psychology. i've gone by ian, lidia and jana, all are fine lol and are related to my actual name. for now i spend my time brainrotting and trying not to fall victim to feelings of impending doom. esoteric femcel, melancholic muse, virtual sweetheart. sadgrrrl founder. landian deleuzeian ccru's princess baby prey neoanthropinae nonsensical girlthing.
If any of my trauma dumping stuff bothers you it's okay. I'm mentally unwell and physically ill and I write about it sometimes as it's a big part of how I experience the world. I'm professionally diagnosed with autism, OCD, clinical depression, anorexia nevrosa and cluster C personality disorder traits. I'm a rape survivor. I am currently in therapy but I recently got off my meds and I'm doing okay I think.
I'm not particularly interesting and I'm not special either. I'm very plain looking. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments or self depricate, it's just how it is. I'm not a hot bombshell, not a quirky manic pixie dream girl, not a ''not like other girls,'' not a tumblrina 2014 cutesy fragile femininity girl, not athletic, not a nerdy bookish girl, not an alternative cool girl, not a femme fatale, not anything.
I'm going into clinical/criminal psychology hopefully. I do digital and analog/physical collages and post them to my social medias so check that out if you like shitty art. I'm also into graphica, printmaking, linocutting, drypoint, lithography, etching, that kind of thing. I code as well, have been for the last several years, so I integrate both physical and digital art. no art education here lmao. I'm forver an industrial neofolk and emocore scene girlie at heart, but without PJ Harvey, Tori Amos, Jack off Jill and Fiona Apple my art, appearance and style wouldn't be what they are.
I denied who I was for a long time. I feel as if I've wasted my body and my time, like my teenage years were spent in my own head, following other people and being docile and offputting. I'm trying to find joy and have less bad days, but I'm aware full recovery is not in the cards for me as of right now. I have time. I have time. ♄ ♅ ♆
хайй аз съм жана. i'm a sagittarius sun, aquarius moon, capricorn rising, i'm around 5'7, 5'8...i have the nervous system of a prey animal and i want to go into midwifery or forensic psychology. i've gone by ian, lidia and jana, all are fine lol and are related to my actual name. for now i spend my time brainrotting and trying not to fall victim to feelings of impending doom. esoteric femcel, melancholic muse, virtual sweetheart. sadgrrrl founder. landian deleuzeian ccru's princess baby prey neoanthropinae nonsensical girlthing.
If any of my trauma dumping stuff bothers you it's okay. I'm mentally unwell and physically ill and I write about it sometimes as it's a big part of how I experience the world. I'm professionally diagnosed with autism, OCD, clinical depression, anorexia nevrosa and cluster C personality disorder traits. I'm a rape survivor. I am currently in therapy but I recently got off my meds and I'm doing okay I think.
I'm not particularly interesting and I'm not special either. I'm very plain looking. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments or self depricate, it's just how it is. I'm not a hot bombshell, not a quirky manic pixie dream girl, not a ''not like other girls,'' not a tumblrina 2014 cutesy fragile femininity girl, not athletic, not a nerdy bookish girl, not an alternative cool girl, not a femme fatale, not anything.
I'm going into clinical/criminal psychology hopefully. I do digital and analog/physical collages and post them to my social medias so check that out if you like shitty art. I'm also into graphica, printmaking, linocutting, drypoint, lithography, etching, that kind of thing. I code as well, have been for the last several years, so I integrate both physical and digital art. no art education here lmao. I'm forver an industrial neofolk and emocore scene girlie at heart, but without PJ Harvey, Tori Amos, Jack off Jill and Fiona Apple my art, appearance and style wouldn't be what they are.
I denied who I was for a long time. I feel as if I've wasted my body and my time, like my teenage years were spent in my own head, following other people and being docile and offputting. I'm trying to find joy and have less bad days, but I'm aware full recovery is not in the cards for me as of right now. I have time. I have time. ♄ ♅ ♆
Interests
| General | i love my little pony, Съдби на кръстопът, prey animals, lattes, sour jelly candy, naengmyeon, creepypasta, perfumes, monster energy (the white one and the pink one), late night walks, winter, cute stationary, writing in my diary, CDs, sanrio (I'm literally Melo and My Sweet Piano), Super Sonico, baby animals, cybersigilism, plushies, teeth, firearms, horror movies, industrial music, screamo/skramz/emoviolence/Midwest emo, humanitarian sciences, denominations of Christianity, theology, diseases (specifically mad cow disease and tetanus) and death !!!!
|
| Music | Skinny Puppy, KMFDM, Ministry, Chemlab, NIN, Orchid, pg99, Frail Body, Wristmeetrazor, Modern Baseball,Oakwood, Ethel Cain, Nicole Dollanganger, Lalleshwari, Lingua Ignota, Chelsea Wolfe, Aphex Twin, SOPHIE, Charli xcx and some others |
| Movies | Zero Day, Welcome to the dollhouse, Pi, Eraserhead, May2002, White Oleander |
| Games | add your fav games |
My ponysonas♥︎
